My name is sissy I’m 28 years old. I’ve struggled with porn and masturbation and self-harm via cutting and food addiction for 17 years.
My early life was rough growing up. My dad was in and out of prison for the first few years of my life and this created a fracture of abandonment in my heart. My relationship with my dad is a complicated one, to be honest. We used to be so close when I was growing up but when I was 18 something happened between him and my mom, they both have hurt each other over the years, and eventually, they got a divorce. My dad took all his anger out on me by yelling and accusing me and blaming me when he didn’t have her as an outlet. My dad is an angry person. Like I know he loves me but he has anger issues that led to me developing my own down the line. So now I’m trying to repair the relationship with the tools I’ve learned.
A second major event in my life, I was sexually abused by an older cousin from ages 4 all the way through to age 10. This created another fracture of abandonment and betrayal. And opened me up spiritually to all kinds of perversion. We would go over there almost every weekend and he had two younger sisters. I can’t remember how it started but I remember it all the same. I convinced myself that if only I can endure he won’t hurt the other two and he can just have me. Come to find out years later he was raping them too. And in the process, the things he did to me, opened me up to being hypersexual and eventually leading me towards porn alongside my other addictions. It started small only doing it whenever I felt sad or upset, then it snowballed into every single day, multiple times a day. I lived a life of secrecy as well hiding more and isolating myself in my room. By day I was this sweet innocent person, by night a full-blown porn addict.
I became an atheist around that as well unknown to my family. I hated God and Christians and anything that had to do with either one. I was angry and blamed God for my abuse and at age 11 I began cutting myself. It was the only pain I knew how to control, sometimes it was a form of punishment. Sometimes to numb the pain. I never get the same rush as self-harm has ever given me which is the biggest part of its appeal. The gratification is always instant. Self-harm was like my best friend, I loved it, worshiped it, wrote love poems to it, literally. It was my everything and my favorite ‘drug’ of choice. But it destroyed not only my body but also my soul. I knew I needed help to stop.
Then I developed an eating disorder for a short period of time, anorexia that I hid as I was naturally thin and wore baggy clothes. That turned into food addiction. My relationship with food and my body is a complex one for sure. I struggle with body image issues as I’m used to being naturally thin so being the size I am now is a mind trip. Food is my enemy but my friend too. I have to eat to live so it’s not one of those addictions that you can just stop doing, you HAVE to engage in it. Now I’m 28 and diagnosed diabetic with high cholesterol and trying to get my eating under control before it literally kills me. And I know it breaks God’s heart to see His daughter in such a state.
Let me tell you addiction and sin itself will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay.
I also struggled with my sexuality and identity for many years after all this started. I lived this secret double life that no one still to this day knows about. I was deep in my addictions and growing in my misery and contempt for God. I was depressed and suicidal for many years. This carried on for 14 years. In and out of hospitals and emergency rooms for self-harm wounds. Jumping from therapist to therapist never committing, never taking my pills and suicide plans and attempts. Then at age 25, I had an encounter with God.
I was suicidal and depressed and saving up to buy a gun to kill myself with. When one night or morning after midnight God reached out to me and took me to a movie called “woman thou art loosed” by TD Jakes. In the movie, the woman had been through the same things as me and she found forgiveness by the end of the film. I cried, watched 3 more times, and cried some more. The next day I told my mom what happened and that same weekend I was at church with my grandmother. 2 months later I was baptized. I knew God was real at that moment and that He loved me, that He SEES me, has always been with me, protecting me.. Safe to say, I didn’t buy the gun.
I’ve been walking with God for 3 years now, and tho I still struggle I know I have God with me along the way. I’m going to addiction meetings almost every day (preferably every night when I can), therapy, getting support from fellow addicts. I’m nowhere near the end of my journey, I don’t think any of us ever are, but I’m looking forward to the many blessings God is sending my way.