My story has a lot of abuse in it. I am a sexaholic and addicted to lust. I am sharing my story because I want to be able to help someone who is struggling like I was, and sometimes still am. I have been in a program for 4 years, and I am working on the 12 steps. I was a victim of child abuse, but my family had brushed it off, and never believed me. My older brother got the most of the physical abuse growing up. But my parents would call it discipline. I was extremely close to my brother because I always felt like we had a lot of similarities. I felt like we were both the black sheep of the family. My sister was in her own little world ever since I could remember. I don’t remember her ever getting punished. Because of this, I’ve always resented her. Then when they both moved out, I felt so abandoned. I grew up so angry with my whole family.
My first sexual encounter was when I was a child. Then when I was thirteen, I discovered masturbation. And while I was in the moment, I felt numb. My stepfather had walked on me and had shamed me for it. He explained to me that it was wrong for me to do that. At this time, I was confused and became guilty. But even though it was wrong I still had the urge to act out even more; so, I continued to act out. I have learned to manipulate my family and friends at a young age. While in middle school I remember making every excuse in the book just to go to the restroom and act out 5 times within a class period. My fantasies grew more important than reality.
Once I got to high school my world turned completely upside down. I started to see and use the people around me as objects for my personal use. I had my first boyfriend and I used him to get back at my parents. I knew they hated each other. He had cheated on me with our mutual friend, so I did the same with a stranger. When I was eighteen, I had another boyfriend, who was physically and emotionally abusive to me for 3 years. I felt like I couldn’t say no because we were in a relationship. As a partner, I must please him. I told myself he loved me; he would change. If I just behaved it would be fine. I was trapped for 3 years. I stopped talking to my friends and family. Then he cheated on me and threw me out. Around this time, I was battling my sexuality and identity.
I had landed my dream job, in the veterinary field. I had worked at an emergency clinic for 2 years until they had to let me go due to this addiction. That had devastated me, so I started to sleep around with most of my old friends. At this point in my life, I had completely lost control. I had gotten another boyfriend shortly after. We were happy for a while until he had stopped acting out with me, forcing me to go through withdrawals. A week later I couldn’t take the withdrawal any longer, so I had cheated on him with our former roommate at the time. Which had ended our relationship. I moved in with a friend and her family a month later. While I was living there, I had brought men into her home for sex.
Most of them were people I knew or friends. I didn’t think about her feelings or her family. While I was living there, I was sexually assaulted by a tattoo artist, and moments after that I had slept with our neighbor who I barely even knew. I was kicked out, and my family refused to allow me back. My coworker had bought me a motel room for a month. I wasn’t eating much. My money went to the room and my addiction. Once my childhood friend had found out where I was living and how I was doing. She dropped everything and took me into her life. I started going to a 12-step program. To this day I do not have a good relationship with my family. But because of the program, I am understanding a lot about myself, and now I want to build a better relationship with them. Today I am sober and still in the program. I have learned that I can choose my family. My family has been my support through it all.