I remember it all started around eight years old.  Mom had left and Dad was taking care of me and my two sisters.  Everyday my Dad would make me bologna for lunch.  I hated bologna but there was my sandwich waiting day after day.  So at school I wouldn’t eat lunch.  I would keep my sandwiches in my book bag and then I didn’t know about mold and it grew and grew and eventually it stank.  My teacher discovered it and told my dad and when I got home he whooped my ass.  After that, he still only made me bologna sandwiches. 

When I got home there were no parents around.  I still remember till this day eating an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy.  It was technically my first time getting high.  From that point on I gained a lot of weight and was a very overweight child.  Kids were terrible to me, kids could be real mean.  But my friends sugar and carbohydrates were always waiting for me when I got home and they never judged me.

Throughout my childhood and into my early teens I had a major weight problem.  I remember wanting to play football and my dad signed me up and paid for it.  Then eventually after we got our equipment and were all set to go it was time for weigh-ins.  I forgot actually how much I weighed but I was too heavy to play with my friends.  I had to play a weight class up, which was with all the older boys.  I was really scared and ended up quitting because I couldn’t play with my friends.

My father flipped out on me yelling that I was a “fucking quitter” and that he wasted his money on me.  He really made me feel awful, just awful.  When it came time that I wanted to play hockey in which this time I was the proper weight to play with my friends he wouldn’t pay for it or any of my equipment.  There I was a kid having to now pay for all of this if I wanted to play.  It was really hard but I was actually able to gather the money for everything and went to a camp over the summer and then started playing in the leagues.  In the end I was a really good defenseman and always started every game.

I was getting really heavy and I was one of the heaviest kids in my class.  It was so embarrassing going to school.  You never knew who would make a comment or just give you a weird look.  Sometimes it just fucking sucked, it truly did.  

Then came high school.  Freshman year I was fat.  Over that summer right before going into my sophomore year I decided to lose weight and this would be the first sign of my anorexic behavior to come.  I didn’t eat almost anything and on top of that I was playing hockey with my friends nearly everyday plus league games on the weekends.  

I somewhat went back to a normal diet over the next few years.  It also ended up that I loved football when I was playing with my friends so I was playing high school football plus hockey so that kept my weight down.  I remember I was in a terrible relationship senior year and I ended up not playing football because I moved in with my mom and she told me I needed to get a job.  It was also the start of my lifelong battle with depression.  It’s when all the symptoms I now recognize started showing.  I started overeating again and this time I was eating my feelings big time.  

As long as I could remember I have never eaten a normal three square meals a day diet ever.  In one way or another I was eating shitty throughout my entire life.  I wish I could be that person who does take better care of themselves and does have three nutritious meals every day.  That’s how I know that I need help. I wish I could be that person and I wasn’t and it was because I had no control over my eating.  It controlled me.  

Just yesterday I was binging.  I haven’t been eating too much lately partially because I’ve been trying to lose weight and also I’ve been taking Kratom to focus and have some energy and for me a side effect is suppressing my appetite.  So yesterday I started eating apples and couldn’t stop.  That’s all I ate yesterday, about 7 or 8 apples.  Thank god that’s all that happened.  It wasn’t bad but it was better than me getting a box of cookies and eating the entire thing.  My eating is like the way I used to drink alcohol.  I just keep  going until every last bit is gone and until I basically pass out from overeating.  It’s literally the same thing.  So I don’t keep bad stuff in the house except soda.

So this is still a daily battle that I consider myself to be losing.  I left rehab last year and was down to around 170 pounds.  Then I blew up over the holidays to around 190 pounds.  And then one last binge landed me at 210 pounds.  I’ve been eating well and I’m back down to 200 pounds. 

I can not base what I call successful eating habits on just my weight alone.  I recently found out I have terrible cholesterol.  And at the same time I considered myself to be doing well because I recently switched to a plant based diet.  But I still have high cholesterol.  

Every now and then I binge out on desserts and sometimes frozen pizzas, stuff like that.  I’ll eat the entire thing in one sitting.  A few months back I ate two of them back to back.  Then I go back to eating more healthy, well healthy at least for me.  I also recently slipped and binged on food from the pizza place and ended up throwing it up.  Like I said earlier this disease is a disease of addiction and we all show a lot of the same signs and this is a slip similar to any other.

This is a battle that started thirty years ago.  And god willing I will be living another thirty years with this.  Addiction comes in many shapes and forms.  I happen to suffer from a few and can understand more than some.

That’s all I got for now.